shattered

i can feel the bags appearing under my eyes.
im feeling constantly drowsy
drowsy usually means my temper get frayed.

i dont know

"you don't have to have a reason to live to stay alive."

i dont think thats true you know? i think that you need a reason to wake up in the morning, to get dressed, go to school/work/other.
i need to have a reason - maybe thats why its so hard to comprehend that some people can live without one.

the air in my lungs isnt enough for me to feel whole anymore. my chest cant contract to make enoughr oom for my lungs which need to be filled.
in
out
in
out
its not that easy.
My heart is not broken. there was never anyone to break it. not in that sense anyway.
your words hurt me every second of the day, you know that?

I was reading this blog which i visit sometimes - its a nice read. some other people have problems but can push it aside to make room for the important things like respect for others and stuff (this is me rambling)

"i'm a sucker for true stories, i like fact over fiction. i think to me it somehow has a bigger impact when it's actually happened instead of somebody thinking it up. there's a book i read a few weeks ago that was a true crime story. this couple named the copelands hired homeless people from a nearby mission to tend their farms. not to mention open bank accounts and write bad checks to buy cattle with. back then, nobody really did bad check scans or had a way to ask a bank if there was really $35,000 in this account, they took each other's word. afterwards, ray copeland would then would kill the homeless men with a single shot through the back of the head. the longest they got to live was til the next cattle sell or til the checks came in the mail. ray copeland had no remorse about what he was doing and couldn't care less because it was like he almost felt he was doing the homeless a favor. one painless quick shot to the back of the head instead of making it day by day asking for change and hoping to catch a lucky break. actually, the truth is from what i can tell, ray didn't care about anyone but himself. not even his wife and children. ray, after years of writing bad checks himself and taking the blame, thought he finally had a flawless plan to fuck the system. luckily, one wise homeless guy caught onto the loopholes in the story, and got away. he immediately told authorities, who at first had trouble finding bodies and any proof of what they were told- but soon after did. now the couple is/was on death row. oldest couple to ever make it on there."

I agree that fact is nice to read, but i like to let my mind travel over the things i have never had.

have a nice night. stay safe. find a reason to live.
you are still on this earth. you probably have a home, have meals on the table at night. keep that in mind.

.

dear you,

i'm sorry
i take it back
i still hate you for it
but i'll ignore it
because it's you who said it
no one else.

.

dear you,

fuck off.
seriously.

what you gonna do to us this time?

its strange -

its strange how i always say to myself in the night that i'll update this in the morning because i have something i want to say, but in the morning i'm still thinking it but never update. well - at least you dont have to see my bad grammar that way. no capitals or commas in the right place. this is why i go to school (okay, so i dont listen because i am way to stubborn because i apparently know it all, but whatever)

its strange how my opinion can be solely based on someone else's opinion. like with a band or whatever. like sometimes i will honestly say "i really hate that band" but i still have them on my itunes library. i guess its just my opinion based on the people in the band. Like katy perry - she fails, knife crimes not funny so taking the piss out of people being angry about that is ridiculous. though, i guess i'll still listen to some of her music (kissed a girl is only funny when the blackout do it though) but i absolutely dislike her to the bone.
like my favourite band - which in this instance doesnt really matter - i love the musicians, but the singer, when he talks about this person, i will say to myself "why dont you just shut the fuck up". i guess that its only a little while until my rope breaks and my nerves are shot. its hard to be patient for a very long time.

i promise you i will become better in my own way. everything needs to change. this is all i need right now. credibility. ive started falling apart - im not savouring life. ive forgotten how good it could be to feel alive.

crazy as it sounds - you wont feel as alone as you feel right now.
thats what ive been told by people anyway.
i whisper those hollow sounds in your ear hoping that you could understand
this is just my take on your words
take every single piece and put it somewhere safe sweetheart

left this out -

i am fed up
i cant wait for 2008 to end - this may of been my worst year.
humiliation through many different ways will be the end of me.

sometimes i wish i couldnt think. that little voice in my head makes me want to punch myself. i dont get it.
the urge for a sleeping aid is evermore furious.
i do not need this. my thoughts will be the death of me actually.

wake me up when it jan 1st.
please?

oops

i let this go again.

open to anyone - if you think this is to you it probably isnt (unless it is)

i have done nothing
nothing to stop, nothing to aid, nothing to hold back.
the only thing i have done is give you advice
seen as though i like to follow the rules - and i believe that is verbatim - you do not listen to a word i say.
you have got yourself into this mess, please work your way out of it.
you never wanted my shoulder, and im not offering it again.
thanks for trusting me (one of your most secretive of friends that wouldnt tell a soul)
i am bored of you
grow old. die. possibly without me there.

yours disgustedly, j.

(ps. this is the end of you my friend, i cant forgive, i wont forget)