i just want to be lonely

i just want to be lonely.

publicly

every eye on me.

it always comes back

i think im sick of saving myself.

star fish

youre not sorry

you never are

you head is so far up your arse its unbelievable 

this is the english way, but you wouldnt know a thing about that would you??

why cant i give up

why do we fall at your feet

why do we hate you?

i know the answer

do you?

i know running gets old in a way

I was too proud to call you that night
I couldn't run
I know running gets old in a way
You sure know how to make or break a day
Well, you just fled the scene
So hard to breathe

You think a lot about yourself so much
For someone who relies
On someone else's trust
I cower to your touch
You think I'd be the one to let go
So carry on

Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah

This jealousy can't hold me over
I can't get mad
You know that anger gets all in your way
My jealous mind
It hates it but takes it
Those haunting memories
Are laced with secrets

Although I'm hard-pressed
To back from a fight
You think that this would end soon
But it's taking its time
Confusion, it is such an all-time bad written melody
Of course you'd sing
Please carry on

I actually took off the glasses and realised just how fake you are to everyone.

How can you forgive and forget. push over. back stabber. liar. there are many other words for girls like you

thinking about things that ive heard today

and open letter;

dear you,

you make it so hard for me to like you, you really do. i don't think you can get it through your thick skull anymore, that i need you to grow up. we're just youre friends which you hang around with when youre 'real' friends arent there. may i remind you why youre even friends with those people? me and her. me; i brought you into 'the group'. before then you were just a lonely sad kid who never came to school because you were too damn lazy. her; she introduced you to those friends. 

i'm not saying you should be on your hands and knees worshipping us. i just think that you owe us a little respect. i think that you should realise that even though theyre youre friends now, remember who were always there. 

and its not our fault that you dont tell us things and get pissed about it. that isnt our fault. it never fucking has been.

we burn liars and fakes on sticks, little girl. we will always pull you up on it. always. and you know that it hasnt been any different. since when did we let that go?

and now you go back to that little boy, and you expect us to accept that? the one that lied and cheated and broke all yours and two of of our friends hearts. and it doesnt matter whether they show it or not either. he was the one that said you and her should get your houses burnt down.

after this, i think im past caring, because i think that youve turned into a vile child.

"i'll take my stand, right here with my friends" and "heart means everything"

nearly 3 months

nearly 3 months and a lot of stuff hasn't changed. but then when i think about it everything has changed. 

i think the correct term would of been "nothing has changed for me"

yep, that's finally right.

i've gone past the subtle stage now

on a wire

I don't know. i guess i just have a strong sense of right and wrong.

i guess i just take things too personally

i guess i should make more of an effort

i guess i need to start and try make myself better

i guess i have grow up

i guess i think too deep

i guess i'm wrong.

you know i dont believe that. sometimes i do have a bit of narcissism showing through, but i have trust issues, paranoia issues, lying issues. actually, i guess i just have issues.

but you know youre not helping. except you dont. sometimes i think my brain is ten times older than my body, i cant help that.

the things that are injected into my mind. through tv shows, books, opinions. its not all my fault.

i hate you but i like you.

this is a predicament i cant seem to get out of.

its not always my fault. i know that.

i wish i had some guts just to do this to you.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none

you will see.

it is not always my fault.

end of year blog

Are you happy?

no

are you safe?

 yes

then that's all that matters.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none - William Shakespeare - "All's Well That Ends Well", Act 1 Scene 1

i know that

i never gave up.

that what i always tell myself. and sometimes i even believe it. deep down i know that im wrong. obviously.

i cannot escape from myself, no matter how hard i try.

my shadow is always following me around for some strange reason

i cant seem to stop it

i need to shut off this mind before it gets too much

i always have a problem with myself

my head.

im waiting for you

when will you arrive?

tick tock

tick tock

the thing that gets me

is that you feel the need to lie to us.
though obviously, i'm being quite oxymoronic.
which i'm not even bloody sorry for.

i'm trying not to get angry every time i see you, and that's hard.
it's so hard to believe anything you say.
and i'm against everything you have done this week.
stupid girl


lesson one for you;
you set yourself your own standards, so when men people treat you like crap, it your own fault.
not ours. dont come crying to us because i for one, have no sympathy.
he. you. everyone - deserves more
and so do i. you insulted my intelligence that day and you know i wouldnt do that to you.
i want the awkward stage to be over, but if you dont buck your stupid damn ideas up then it will never be.

i'm disappointed in both of you
(and i sound like my mother. lord)

beep.

sometimes i think you only think about yourself.
i get headaches daily - not just because of you, but sometimes.
your voice comes in and out of my ears like a fly flying by them and then going away.
i dont want you to go away
but the buzz hurts sometimes.

broadway smoke shop vs. tea leaf dreams


i dont know why but every time i form a sentence it has the word 'but' in it.
butbutbut
its like - fuck off.
my mind is messed right now. i have nothing poeticslashimportant to say.

shattered

i can feel the bags appearing under my eyes.
im feeling constantly drowsy
drowsy usually means my temper get frayed.

i dont know

"you don't have to have a reason to live to stay alive."

i dont think thats true you know? i think that you need a reason to wake up in the morning, to get dressed, go to school/work/other.
i need to have a reason - maybe thats why its so hard to comprehend that some people can live without one.

the air in my lungs isnt enough for me to feel whole anymore. my chest cant contract to make enoughr oom for my lungs which need to be filled.
in
out
in
out
its not that easy.
My heart is not broken. there was never anyone to break it. not in that sense anyway.
your words hurt me every second of the day, you know that?

I was reading this blog which i visit sometimes - its a nice read. some other people have problems but can push it aside to make room for the important things like respect for others and stuff (this is me rambling)

"i'm a sucker for true stories, i like fact over fiction. i think to me it somehow has a bigger impact when it's actually happened instead of somebody thinking it up. there's a book i read a few weeks ago that was a true crime story. this couple named the copelands hired homeless people from a nearby mission to tend their farms. not to mention open bank accounts and write bad checks to buy cattle with. back then, nobody really did bad check scans or had a way to ask a bank if there was really $35,000 in this account, they took each other's word. afterwards, ray copeland would then would kill the homeless men with a single shot through the back of the head. the longest they got to live was til the next cattle sell or til the checks came in the mail. ray copeland had no remorse about what he was doing and couldn't care less because it was like he almost felt he was doing the homeless a favor. one painless quick shot to the back of the head instead of making it day by day asking for change and hoping to catch a lucky break. actually, the truth is from what i can tell, ray didn't care about anyone but himself. not even his wife and children. ray, after years of writing bad checks himself and taking the blame, thought he finally had a flawless plan to fuck the system. luckily, one wise homeless guy caught onto the loopholes in the story, and got away. he immediately told authorities, who at first had trouble finding bodies and any proof of what they were told- but soon after did. now the couple is/was on death row. oldest couple to ever make it on there."

I agree that fact is nice to read, but i like to let my mind travel over the things i have never had.

have a nice night. stay safe. find a reason to live.
you are still on this earth. you probably have a home, have meals on the table at night. keep that in mind.

.

dear you,

i'm sorry
i take it back
i still hate you for it
but i'll ignore it
because it's you who said it
no one else.

.

dear you,

fuck off.
seriously.

what you gonna do to us this time?

its strange -

its strange how i always say to myself in the night that i'll update this in the morning because i have something i want to say, but in the morning i'm still thinking it but never update. well - at least you dont have to see my bad grammar that way. no capitals or commas in the right place. this is why i go to school (okay, so i dont listen because i am way to stubborn because i apparently know it all, but whatever)

its strange how my opinion can be solely based on someone else's opinion. like with a band or whatever. like sometimes i will honestly say "i really hate that band" but i still have them on my itunes library. i guess its just my opinion based on the people in the band. Like katy perry - she fails, knife crimes not funny so taking the piss out of people being angry about that is ridiculous. though, i guess i'll still listen to some of her music (kissed a girl is only funny when the blackout do it though) but i absolutely dislike her to the bone.
like my favourite band - which in this instance doesnt really matter - i love the musicians, but the singer, when he talks about this person, i will say to myself "why dont you just shut the fuck up". i guess that its only a little while until my rope breaks and my nerves are shot. its hard to be patient for a very long time.

i promise you i will become better in my own way. everything needs to change. this is all i need right now. credibility. ive started falling apart - im not savouring life. ive forgotten how good it could be to feel alive.

crazy as it sounds - you wont feel as alone as you feel right now.
thats what ive been told by people anyway.
i whisper those hollow sounds in your ear hoping that you could understand
this is just my take on your words
take every single piece and put it somewhere safe sweetheart

left this out -

i am fed up
i cant wait for 2008 to end - this may of been my worst year.
humiliation through many different ways will be the end of me.

sometimes i wish i couldnt think. that little voice in my head makes me want to punch myself. i dont get it.
the urge for a sleeping aid is evermore furious.
i do not need this. my thoughts will be the death of me actually.

wake me up when it jan 1st.
please?

oops

i let this go again.

open to anyone - if you think this is to you it probably isnt (unless it is)

i have done nothing
nothing to stop, nothing to aid, nothing to hold back.
the only thing i have done is give you advice
seen as though i like to follow the rules - and i believe that is verbatim - you do not listen to a word i say.
you have got yourself into this mess, please work your way out of it.
you never wanted my shoulder, and im not offering it again.
thanks for trusting me (one of your most secretive of friends that wouldnt tell a soul)
i am bored of you
grow old. die. possibly without me there.

yours disgustedly, j.

(ps. this is the end of you my friend, i cant forgive, i wont forget)

kisses on the wrong cheek

slap it to the other one

i just wanna feel attractive today
i love it but it hurts
i do it because you do it
i'm 'attention deprived' in my honest opinion.
it works for me
i can do it for as long as i want

x marks the scars, eh?

thank you for ignoring me

be careful what you wish for because you just might get it

staring at you
cant be true
hot top/press
think of you less
i never gave up

i wish i grew up a clean kid
i wish i grew up a superstar
always get ruined before you turn legal
thats fine with me

i want to do it
legs eleven/whatever - hidden
i love pain
threshold high

i hate watching people getting persecuted on tv
especially people i hold in high regards

but whatever, i guess i dont have a sense of humour.
haha.

when i grow up;