Shy Kids and Quitters

i just want to be lonely

2009-07-03T21:32:00.000+01:00

i just want to be lonely.

publicly

every eye on me.

it always comes back

2009-05-30T17:39:00.000+01:00

i think im sick of saving myself.

star fish

2009-05-24T23:12:00.002+01:00

youre not sorry

you never are

you head is so far up your arse its unbelievable

this is the english way, but you wouldnt know a thing about that would you??

why cant i give up

why do we fall at your feet

why do we hate you?

i know the answer

do you?

i know running gets old in a way

2009-05-08T23:20:00.005+01:00

I was too proud to call you that night
I couldn't run
I know running gets old in a way
You sure know how to make or break a day
Well, you just fled the scene
So hard to breathe

You think a lot about yourself so much
For someone who relies
On someone else's trust
I cower to your touch
You think I'd be the one to let go
So carry on

Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah

This jealousy can't hold me over
I can't get mad
You know that anger gets all in your way
My jealous mind
It hates it but takes it
Those haunting memories
Are laced with secrets

Although I'm hard-pressed
To back from a fight
You think that this would end soon
But it's taking its time
Confusion, it is such an all-time bad written melody
Of course you'd sing
Please carry on

I actually took off the glasses and realised just how fake you are to everyone.

How can you forgive and forget. push over. back stabber. liar. there are many other words for girls like you

thinking about things that ive heard today

2009-03-28T18:38:00.003Z

and open letter;

dear you,

you make it so hard for me to like you, you really do. i don't think you can get it through your thick skull anymore, that i need you to grow up. we're just youre friends which you hang around with when youre 'real' friends arent there. may i remind you why youre even friends with those people? me and her. me; i brought you into 'the group'. before then you were just a lonely sad kid who never came to school because you were too damn lazy. her; she introduced you to those friends.

i'm not saying you should be on your hands and knees worshipping us. i just think that you owe us a little respect. i think that you should realise that even though theyre youre friends now, remember who were always there.

and its not our fault that you dont tell us things and get pissed about it. that isnt our fault. it never fucking has been.

we burn liars and fakes on sticks, little girl. we will always pull you up on it. always. and you know that it hasnt been any different. since when did we let that go?

and now you go back to that little boy, and you expect us to accept that? the one that lied and cheated and broke all yours and two of of our friends hearts. and it doesnt matter whether they show it or not either. he was the one that said you and her should get your houses burnt down.

after this, i think im past caring, because i think that youve turned into a vile child.

"i'll take my stand, right here with my friends" and "heart means everything"

nearly 3 months

2009-03-28T18:34:00.002Z

nearly 3 months and a lot of stuff hasn't changed. but then when i think about it everything has changed.

i think the correct term would of been "nothing has changed for me"

yep, that's finally right.

i've gone past the subtle stage now

on a wire

2009-01-01T23:30:00.002Z

I don't know. i guess i just have a strong sense of right and wrong.

i guess i just take things too personally

i guess i should make more of an effort

i guess i need to start and try make myself better

i guess i have grow up

i guess i think too deep

i guess i'm wrong.

you know i dont believe that. sometimes i do have a bit of narcissism showing through, but i have trust issues, paranoia issues, lying issues. actually, i guess i just have issues.

but you know youre not helping. except you dont. sometimes i think my brain is ten times older than my body, i cant help that.

the things that are injected into my mind. through tv shows, books, opinions. its not all my fault.

i hate you but i like you.

this is a predicament i cant seem to get out of.

its not always my fault. i know that.

i wish i had some guts just to do this to you.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none

you will see.

it is not always my fault.

end of year blog

2008-12-30T22:25:00.001Z

Are you happy?

are you safe?

yes

then that's all that matters.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none - William Shakespeare - "All's Well That Ends Well", Act 1 Scene 1

i know that

2008-12-27T19:18:00.002Z

i never gave up.

that what i always tell myself. and sometimes i even believe it. deep down i know that im wrong. obviously.

i cannot escape from myself, no matter how hard i try.

my shadow is always following me around for some strange reason

i cant seem to stop it

i need to shut off this mind before it gets too much

i always have a problem with myself

my head.

im waiting for you

when will you arrive?

tick tock

the thing that gets me

2008-12-11T19:14:00.002Z

is that you feel the need to lie to us.
though obviously, i'm being quite oxymoronic.
which i'm not even bloody sorry for.

i'm trying not to get angry every time i see you, and that's hard.
it's so hard to believe anything you say.
and i'm against everything you have done this week.
stupid girl

lesson one for you;
you set yourself your own standards, so when ~~men~~ people treat you like crap, it your own fault.
not ours. dont come crying to us because i for one, have no sympathy.
he. you. everyone - deserves more
and so do i. you insulted my intelligence that day and you know i wouldnt do that to you.
i want the awkward stage to be over, but if you dont buck your stupid damn ideas up then it will never be.

i'm disappointed in both of you
(and i sound like my mother. lord)

beep.

2008-12-02T19:23:00.002Z

sometimes i think you only think about yourself.
i get headaches daily - not just because of you, but sometimes.
your voice comes in and out of my ears like a fly flying by them and then going away.
i dont want you to go away
but the buzz hurts sometimes.

broadway smoke shop vs. tea leaf dreams

i dont know why but every time i form a sentence it has the word 'but' in it.
butbutbut
its like - fuck off.
my mind is messed right now. i have nothing poeticslashimportant to say.

shattered

2008-11-24T19:04:00.002Z

i can feel the bags appearing under my eyes.
im feeling constantly drowsy
drowsy usually means my temper get frayed.

i dont know

2008-11-17T21:31:00.002Z

"you don't have to have a reason to live to stay alive."

i dont think thats true you know? i think that you need a reason to wake up in the morning, to get dressed, go to school/work/other.
i need to have a reason - maybe thats why its so hard to comprehend that some people can live without one.

the air in my lungs isnt enough for me to feel whole anymore. my chest cant contract to make enoughr oom for my lungs which need to be filled.
in
out
in
out
its not that easy.
My heart is not broken. there was never anyone to break it. not in that sense anyway.
your words hurt me every second of the day, you know that?

I was reading this blog which i visit sometimes - its a nice read. some other people have problems but can push it aside to make room for the important things like respect for others and stuff (this is me rambling)

"i'm a sucker for true stories, i like fact over fiction. i think to me it somehow has a bigger impact when it's actually happened instead of somebody thinking it up. there's a book i read a few weeks ago that was a true crime story. this couple named the copelands hired homeless people from a nearby mission to tend their farms. not to mention open bank accounts and write bad checks to buy cattle with. back then, nobody really did bad check scans or had a way to ask a bank if there was really $35,000 in this account, they took each other's word. afterwards, ray copeland would then would kill the homeless men with a single shot through the back of the head. the longest they got to live was til the next cattle sell or til the checks came in the mail. ray copeland had no remorse about what he was doing and couldn't care less because it was like he almost felt he was doing the homeless a favor. one painless quick shot to the back of the head instead of making it day by day asking for change and hoping to catch a lucky break. actually, the truth is from what i can tell, ray didn't care about anyone but himself. not even his wife and children. ray, after years of writing bad checks himself and taking the blame, thought he finally had a flawless plan to fuck the system. luckily, one wise homeless guy caught onto the loopholes in the story, and got away. he immediately told authorities, who at first had trouble finding bodies and any proof of what they were told- but soon after did. now the couple is/was on death row. oldest couple to ever make it on there."

I agree that fact is nice to read, but i like to let my mind travel over the things i have never had.

have a nice night. stay safe. find a reason to live.
you are still on this earth. you probably have a home, have meals on the table at night. keep that in mind.

.

2008-11-04T19:36:00.002Z

dear you,

i'm sorry
i take it back
i still hate you for it
but i'll ignore it
because it's you who said it
no one else.

.

2008-11-04T19:25:00.001Z

dear you,

fuck off.
seriously.

what you gonna do to us this time?

2008-10-28T16:49:00.002Z

its strange -

its strange how i always say to myself in the night that i'll update this in the morning because i have something i want to say, but in the morning i'm still thinking it but never update. well - at least you dont have to see my bad grammar that way. no capitals or commas in the right place. this is why i go to school (okay, so i dont listen because i am way to stubborn because i apparently know it all, but whatever)

its strange how my opinion can be solely based on someone else's opinion. like with a band or whatever. like sometimes i will honestly say "i really hate that band" but i still have them on my itunes library. i guess its just my opinion based on the people in the band. Like katy perry - she fails, knife crimes not funny so taking the piss out of people being angry about that is ridiculous. though, i guess i'll still listen to some of her music (kissed a girl is only funny when the blackout do it though) but i absolutely dislike her to the bone.
like my favourite band - which in this instance doesnt really matter - i love the musicians, but the singer, when he talks about this person, i will say to myself "why dont you just shut the fuck up". i guess that its only a little while until my rope breaks and my nerves are shot. its hard to be patient for a very long time.

i promise you i will become better in my own way. everything needs to change. this is all i need right now. credibility. ive started falling apart - im not savouring life. ive forgotten how good it could be to feel alive.

crazy as it sounds - you wont feel as alone as you feel right now.
thats what ive been told by people anyway.
i whisper those hollow sounds in your ear hoping that you could understand
this is just my take on your words
take every single piece and put it somewhere safe sweetheart

left this out -

2008-09-29T18:42:00.002+01:00

i am fed up
i cant wait for 2008 to end - this may of been my worst year.
humiliation through many different ways will be the end of me.

sometimes i wish i couldnt think. that little voice in my head makes me want to punch myself. i dont get it.
the urge for a sleeping aid is evermore furious.
i do not need this. my thoughts will be the death of me actually.

wake me up when it jan 1st.
please?

oops

2008-09-29T18:33:00.002+01:00

i let this go again.

open to anyone - if you think this is to you it probably isnt (unless it is)

i have done nothing
nothing to stop, nothing to aid, nothing to hold back.
the only thing i have done is give you advice
seen as though i like to follow the rules - and i believe that is verbatim - you do not listen to a word i say.
you have got yourself into this mess, please work your way out of it.
you never wanted my shoulder, and im not offering it again.
thanks for trusting me (one of your most secretive of friends that wouldnt tell a soul)
i am bored of you
grow old. die. possibly without me there.

yours disgustedly, j.

(ps. this is the end of you my friend, i cant forgive, i wont forget)

kisses on the wrong cheek

2008-09-11T22:01:00.001+01:00

slap it to the other one

i just wanna feel attractive today
i love it but it hurts
i do it because you do it
i'm 'attention deprived' in my honest opinion.
it works for me
i can do it for as long as i want

x marks the scars, eh?

thank you for ignoring me

be careful what you wish for because you just might get it

2008-09-08T19:32:00.002+01:00

staring at you
cant be true
hot top/press
think of you less
i never gave up

i wish i grew up a clean kid
i wish i grew up a superstar
always get ruined before you turn legal
thats fine with me

i want to do it
legs eleven/whatever - hidden
i love pain
threshold high

i hate watching people getting persecuted on tv
especially people i hold in high regards

but whatever, i guess i dont have a sense of humour.
haha.

when i grow up;

and so

2008-08-28T21:44:00.002+01:00

if i could dream at all, it would be about you. and im not ashamed of it.

i want to say this to someone
i need you to change me
please help me
whoever you may be

corner stop/x one

2008-08-25T14:41:00.002+01:00

Look, im going to break it down and spell it out for everyone.

i dont know what im doing with my life at this point
im scared of everything
im waiting for something to happen
its not coming easy
i dont get it

(iwanttotravelinavanwithyoueventhoughyouprobablydontreadthis)

im sorry

i want to fail everything

i want everything
i know im not good for anything

i know i lose

2008-08-19T23:59:00.001+01:00

feeling like youre having a heartattack
feeling like everyone of them has given up
feeling so damn scared
it melts together
we all melt together

i wish you could read my thoughts and fall into my dreams at night so i sleep better

shit

2008-08-13T11:07:00.002+01:00

I said i'd keep you updated but i think i did a bad job of that.
i'm going away for a week or so.
no internet.

box car racers vs. tall ta(i)l/e princess'
we love for this kind of mess
i'd swallow each and every pill
rainbow coloured timelines of them
in a few years you wont be saying you're alright.
in a few years youll want to be just as messed up as you are now.
bruised
broken
attention seeking kids vs. the ones that were born with all that attention

converse

2008-08-02T21:03:00.003+01:00

It's not what you say that matters anymore, its what you dont say.

the lies i weave are ridiculous to believe
but you know i could talk my way out of anything.

"You know what Azure means but you dont know the meaning of guilty?"

bend

2008-07-26T22:55:00.002+01:00

why have you lost faith in the men we love most?
why have you shyed away from the limelight?
why must we take minutes out of our day to do mundane rountines?
why must we work most of the day to have a chance at living?
why do we fall asleep?
why do we carry on as if nohing has happened?
why cant we breath fresh air anymore?
why cant we live free anymore?
why does it hurt to do anything in the heat?
why does it have to end like this?
why arent we living?
why arent we loving?
why is it everytime i go out a room someone sits in my damn seat?
why is it that i hate to go to shops on my own?
why does it hurt to love?
why does it hurt to breath?
why do we fight?
why do we fight?

It is our natural instinct to fight. We born with that and will die with that.
It hurts to love because that is the fact of life. We love and then we hurt.

I dont like going to shops on my own in fear of doing something wrong.
Someone seats in my seat the moment i go out of the room (even if the room may be empty) because they dont respect life.
No one respects each other anymore. Name calling. Fights. Death (thats a reacurring one isnt it? it isnt ment to be).

Look, its time to accept our fears and carry on. After this blog will i go out to a shop on my own? No. Why? Because its 11:03pm here and im not changing out of my pj's.
But tomorrow will i go to a shop on my own? No. Why? Because i never take my own advice.

Summer is about change. I will change. My appearance. My attitude. My ethics.
There is always room for change. Remember that.

Ten minutes ago my aunt left my house to go to sleep. In the early ours of sunday morning she will get up and go to her RAF base. By 9am sunday she will be on her way to Afghanistan. Does she fear? She says she doesnt. Do i fear? Of course i damn well do. She's my relative for christ's sake. I have confidence though.
She will come back a changed woman im sure. Whens he comes back the world would of changed. Gordon Brown probably would of done something destructive or crap. The taxes f things may of gone higher. The Olimpics would of started. I will have a hair cut. Big Brother would of finished. We will probably one step closer to knowing who the new president of the united states will be. People would of been born and some would of died. Are any of my family going to die in that time? I'm never certain. no ones certain. I hope not. People would of died though. But the git of life showers over the greif of death.

I leave you on this note; Is it worth fighting and becomign a better person? Changing for the better? Or should you let yourself give up and not care at all.

I choose to fight.

beat the old blood out of yourself to see how fa(i)r you really are.

2008-07-23T12:31:00.003+01:00

when you die you will fade to black inside, i promise you that. but what happens to the people that are already black inside? do they just burn? or do they just fade.
wait though, thats the kids that think they matter, right?
everyone thinks they matter but in truth, as long as you're in the limelight you will have friends. before/after that you have no one.
you were born alone
you grew up alone
you lived alone
you looked at old photographs alone
you died alone
that is just the life cycle.
when you finally have a bit of hope in the human society you will then quickly lose it all.

Do you want to live alone?
do you want to have no one?
No. you dont.
change that then. change your fate.
everyone has the power to do something. to change.
you dont have to live alone. you dont have to die alone.
we need to live with everything.
no alones.

answer this; would you die for someone?
if you have that then you are worth li/oving.
if not, then find it.

regret is the worst thing in the world.
it can eat you up inside.
if you regret than you have not filled out your purpose.

remember
no alones.

beat the old blood out of yourself because maybe then it will prove a point.

does that make me crazy?

2008-07-17T18:24:00.002+01:00

i still feel the same way as i did a few months ago (feb27)
i still feel the same way as i did in the beginning (feb10)
i still admire the guy who i wrote about (feb11)

i laughed when i read this i laughed because of the wrestling mention
i like this entry (mar10)
i still feel the same way as i did on this day (mar12)
i still feel the same way as i did on this day (mar18)
bottem half; i got found out. Didnt confront me. glad about it (mar21)
"you only look good in car crashes and the dark." i agree (mar22)
i cant remember who i was writing about (mar22)
"you only get this close with my lack of punctuation and grammer." (mar24)

i am still afraid that no one will love me (apr9)

the third paragraph makes me nod in agreement (may29)

it fell through. i dont even know why i bothered, but im still glad i didnt get trapped with you. (jun7)
the shoes hurt. my weakness is how much i give of my feelings. (jun20)

so cryptic that someday i will forget what im talking about. loyalty is also one of the things i treasure most (jul4)
this band make me feel like im apart of something (jul5)

i have slowly stopped posting. i apologise. that will stop.

....

"Don't go away again,
I want to be more than a phone call at 4am.
Seems like every time you come back home
It's just to steal my heart and leave.

Don't go away again,
I want to be more than a story to tell your friends.
Seems like every time you come back home
It's just to make me fall again."

I love this song. is it so bad i wish what he's singing about could happen to me? the reasons are too hard too explain actually. just reason with it.

one more week

2008-07-05T22:06:00.001+01:00

you know what hurt me?

was the bit where you said that unlike last weekend, you had fun this weekend

implying that i'm boring and not fun

I used to think you were such a nice person

but you are now vindictive and a dick

grow up boy, she'll eat you alive

no air by JS is the way i feel about how my life is. Seriously, no air.

2008-07-04T18:31:00.003+01:00

Trying to write an *emo* post while listening to Ne-yo is very...weird, so to speak.

Wah
So today has been so messed
Yesterday was just fall about to me

I never know when to shut my mouth
i apologised to someone because i realised that i was also in the wrong
i was wrong, ha
i nearly stopped what i was doing with my life
i felt betrayed

not gonna say much because i know people and what they find on the interwebs.
Tomorow all im going to do is read probably.
Glad its the weekend, catch up on sleep that is needed.
Succeeding in plan "NF" which is all under wraps for now.
Im doing stuff that will give me confidence. It all makes me as a person

Sorry this is so cryptic.
Lets just say that friends are not always there, even if they say they are.
one word people; loyalty.
that is all.

ive been watching

2008-06-20T13:18:00.002+01:00

everytime i log into this i always forget which email address im using because i have about 5.
and my password is one of two and its 13 letters long.
and yesterday i forgot what i was angry about
short term memory will be responsible for alot of mishaps in the futre y/y?

nothing has changed
i can see that im making it obvious
my hands burn everytime
my eyes hurt everytime
my heart hurts everytime
my jealousy of the unworthy will come through on this note.
i dont think the major will happen before all of us split for 6weeks.
i want it to though
it would be nice
:)

nothing to complain about.
im getting new shoes today :)

for your information

2008-06-07T11:06:00.002+01:00

i love my demons because they keep me company.

closer. closer.
we are closer.
closer. closer.
we need closer.

for the past week ive been telling myself that you're just keeping me happy and playing along to my unfortunately obvious passes, but you kind of flipped the tables on friday. thank you for that.
you have now made me more uncertain of myself and what we are. i love that. thsi is definately the change i needed.
let me close the door on the old and concentrate on you and the new.
i dont need the shit they give me, so i'll leave 'em to it.
the only thing you have to promise is to be there everyday and to carry on the way you are.
i will promise you my full heart.

i havent ever been so sure as what i want with you as i have now.
teach me the things i need to.

this heart, i beats for you ?
answer me this though; do you want my heart?

lipstick lullabies

2008-05-29T19:17:00.002+01:00

cleaned the house just to throw away your mess that you left behind. I'm definitely fed-up of your shit. Thank you for lying to us. again. again we are disappointed.

I saw what had happened to him and realised nothing ive been through is as bad has what he's got. when you see something like that, everything goes into perspective. like youve been driving in the rain and only just wiped the window-screen.

i am glad that you finally realised that we're not worth it. she is better for you then any of us back-stabbers and heart breakers. and i hope you realise that that was sarcasm and that i have a sense of distaste in my mouth

the truth is meant to be told

so if its true it isnt really a rumour, i guess.

please make me strong

make me happy

make me everything please

we are those kids that dont last, but in their prime, they are legends.

i wish i could be a legend forever.

miserable at best

2008-05-28T20:01:00.000+01:00

i need to go to the doctors, but no one i know cares.
we need to meet up and become best friends so then you can be the one that cares and takes me

forever never comes around

2008-05-25T09:35:00.002+01:00

i'm back and still alive
but i come with illness
being sick makes you think more
you have to sleep and stay inside

old friends vanish and the new friends stay, if only for a while
old friend doesnt know what to do with my witty replies and cold-hearted words

i wish one girl would stop hitting on my boy

that is the only honesty i can muster up at the moment
sleepy time now

ps. europe hates england tbh, thats why we didnt get anything higher than 14 in eurovision. Its all about politics. we let immigrants into our country, we have saved them from death (see ww1 and ww2), england doesnt care what race you are, but still you hate us.

nothing worse than missing out

2008-05-18T10:49:00.002+01:00

i feel my life has come to a standstill
i want things that happen to other people to happen to me

that is all
my mind is at a standstill as well

come together now

2008-05-10T07:58:00.002+01:00

i
i am
i am alive
i am alive and
i am alive and need
i am alive and need you
i am alive and need you closer
i am alive and need you closer. I
i am alive and need you closer. I want
i am alive and need you closer. I want to
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth.
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we were
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we were alive
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we were alive together.
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we were alive
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we were
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish we
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I wish
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth. I
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the truth.
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone the
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell everyone
i am alive and need you closer. I want to tell
i am alive and need you closer. I want to
i am alive and need you closer. I want
i am alive and need you closer. I
i am alive and need you closer.
i am alive and need you
i am alive and need
i am alive and
i am alive
i am
i

i never forgot

2008-05-04T16:29:00.002+01:00

one year older from yesterday at 9:36am
it starte din a hospital and will probably finish in one
i wish it didnt
id love to end right next to you
ever if you're not coming

i wish i could write/right like a solidier or that boy wounded in the corner. both are the same sometimes. one wounded by teachery and the other wounded by words and his own heartless self.
one day we will end.
make everything count
and smile
even if not for me

a bad day all around. except for the ipod update

2008-04-23T21:28:00.001+01:00

dear ____
you are not the next pw. you writing like him isnt gonna change the fact that you're turning into a wreck and you're never gonna get anywhere with the way you're going.

im shaking and my stomach is upside down

today is not the best of days

woah

2008-04-20T17:06:00.001+01:00

i forgot about this place actually.

wrote something today. lets hope it gets there and i dont sound like a moron

i miss the old

she tries desperately for me to stay

2008-04-14T18:44:00.001+01:00

i think i should take the time out of my busy schedule (oh yes. real busy.........no) to say that i am ready for a change.
i need something mad to happen in my life.
will you be the one to rpovide that for me?

others will always think they know you

2008-04-09T20:32:00.002+01:00

If anyone cared to write or ask if i'm still alive then i would feel needed in this world that can feel empty. not even a note to ask me whats ben happening.
it seems i have to lie to get your attention. because i am a compulsive liar. it hurts like that.

i spend many of my waking hours nowadays, wondering whether im going to find someone that's gonna lay down with me at night and be there in the morning.
i dont want to put my middle finger up to the world and say 'fuck you'. i want to hold up my forth finger on my left hand and say that there is someone who's always gonna be there.
i live in fear of the thought of this not happening.
i live in fear of the thought of no one caring about me no more

i think the deal with some people is that they just dont care enough to try and understand.

i'm afraid that if i dont find someone im in live with to lie down next to me at night that im gonna settle for something i dont want or love.
i am afraid no one will love me.

acid and alkali

2008-04-06T20:36:00.001+01:00

they cancel eachother out, right?

i have no tact so i dont know why you come to me for a shoulder to cry on.
i am in a mood where i dont care what shit i say to you tonight.
please go and grow a backbone, darling.

the light on your window ledge

2008-04-02T21:06:00.002+01:00

i am quite possibly thinking of starting over.
im also only smart because you are the lowest of levels.
im sick of all these entries being about you actually. stop fuelling my fire, so to speak.

i love these conversations because they give me ideas for comebacks to the worst person i can think of right now.
our wit is nicely balanced.
and you're right on most things.
we are also both invisible and hate the thinsg that life deals us.

i think this is one of the worst times ive been at.
dont worry kids, ill cheer up soon.

'when im in bed i think about life and death. neither sound too appealing'
'i am the poison in your brain, you just dont see it yet'

'we cant both have her, lady'

2008-03-24T11:34:00.002Z

hey there dirtbag. springs started and summer may just be round the corner.
i want to spend my summers with everyone who cares, but its not that easy.

chronicles of a bohemian teenager

you only get this close with my lack of punctuation and grammer.

you will love the ideas i have mapped out

life

2008-03-22T19:27:00.000Z

he is the only friend you've got. if thats what you could call a friend

curiosity of old crows

2008-03-22T19:24:00.003Z

deleted the last entry because it didnt feel so right
words dont come as easy as you
i wrote your name on the wall of my house and then watched it burn down
the smell of gasoline and ash is ten times better than us

physics never mattered to you, so why am i thinking about chemical reactions everytime i hear your name?

perhaps

2008-03-22T18:31:00.003Z

i was born with curiosity of that of old crows
saying I'm a mess right now is putting it lately
i hate being taken for a ride
not the car kind, i like to waste my time in a car, going somewhere where it wont make a difference.
i think i got my wires crossed or something
its strange how i want to believe its him
oh dear
sitbacktakeaminutebreathgetangrythinkhardandforget

you only the beautiful in car crashes and the dark

i wonder how he hits

2008-03-21T20:28:00.000Z

i think you should really let me make my own choices. I hate you sometimes.

----------------

and you, i wish you didnt believe every word.
it hurts to lie to you.
but it hurts more if i dont.

i wish i ment it when i say sorry

times like these remind me

2008-03-18T12:59:00.002Z

nothing happens when im awake
the action happens at night
everything happens when its dark
cities come alive.

dont you think its weird that when you're asleep, late at night, that people all the way across the world are doing something that could possibly changed peoples views and help people.
it makes you realise how small you actually are.

i wasnt born to be a skeleton

only half of you could imagine what its like to be the other person.
you say that i couldnt walk a mile in your shoes.
no i cant. i dont like blisters and i wouldnt wear something that tacky.

everybody gets their way if they try
am i the only one to blame?
things have changed for us. things will always hurt in a way that is different than everyone else hurt and heartbreak

im not gonna be sad when i live this one horse town.
never will i miss you
everybody gets their way

certain things are bittersweet and lost. others will always be there.

2008-03-15T22:20:00.002Z

different people for the you's. same for the me's.

_______________________________

1. you
you fuck it up.
you are nothing more than my past
you keep ignoring me.
and eye for an eye
a tooth for a tooth

1. me
i dont know why i dont give up

______________________________

2. you
you believe every word

2. me
i lied

___________________________

3. you
you said i understand

3. me
dont pin all your hopes on me please
i will somehow let you down
i always do

3. you
dependent/independable

3. me
i need your thoughts more than a person needs food

3. you
thank you

3. me
insecure

3. you
everything

i know what you tried to do

2008-03-15T00:33:00.002Z

i unfriended you. ive seen that picture, stupid.
i have very good memory.

dont worry i dont shit talk you.
i have better things to do with my time actually.

unlike (all) you

im

2008-03-12T20:21:00.001Z

a girl.
dont call me dude.
end of.

'evrything that you know could fit into a small cardboard box'

dont limit yourself. learn stuff

if you arent rich

2008-03-10T21:37:00.002Z

then im not paying for you. or letting you in.

"so and so reminds me of you"

"how're you?"
"so-so"

you know when we try and talk again, trying to forget all of what youve done to me?
its like watching WWE after you found out its not real
its only half as fun

i love to see you struggle with words and the things that me/us/we/others have told you. i love you struggling, it gives me a sense of pride because i know im better than you.

i wish boasting wouldnt come off so bad.
i wish that i didnt care about you
i wish i didnt try so hard

sometimes i wish i was invisible as you make me feel.

sometimes i am

you're so vain

2008-03-02T20:25:00.002Z

i bet you think this song is about you

it isnt, its about everythng you do, say and think wrong

relax relapse

2008-03-02T20:16:00.002Z

why should i care if she goes around looking like a two pence whore?
but i do. i cant let go of what a mess she is making herself into.

she deserves it, but i feel guilty. for no reason. if she does this to herself, make her seem a whore. where tiny skirts and look oh-so pretentious, its definitely not my fault. because i am the opposite of that.
she's more of a trainwreck than a mess

she was like a sister, now she's more of a saint.
a saint for everything i disbelieve, hate and makes you look desperate in.

who got you the handbook on how to be a slut, for Christmas?
was it the girl who is even more disbelievable and has a combover?
wrongwrongwrong

you're actually not a trainwreck. you dont have enough style to be a trainwrck

would you

2008-03-01T11:43:00.002Z

stick around and see how it ends?
Im not sure i want you to
I wouldnt
you shouldnt

i feel sick to the bone and it isnt boding well with my ego
i read back and see nothing but disappointment

a place is hurting which shouldnt be, you guess.

my teeth hurt with antisipation

damn

2008-02-27T18:10:00.001Z

you know you're fucked when you are in bed late at night, and you think to yourself 'i have nothing to wake up for in the morning'

i know this hurts

2008-02-22T22:36:00.001Z

it was ment to.

It still does.

if

2008-02-15T21:30:00.002Z

you acted your age then i might not think you're arrogant.
Just because people think you're 'amazing' it doesnt matter to us. we dont want to know.
Be a man and post your photos. Keep them on as well, is it because you dont think we're 'worthy' even to keep them on there.
Please get your head out your arse

happy belated vday anyway

if only

2008-02-14T18:53:00.002Z

you knew what broke me up into pieces in the first place.
Summer aint too far away, is that when you're gonna come around and take notice of me again. I cant wait that long.
They said that my life is a trainwreck.
well sometimes kid, you are the trainwreck.
when will you stop and notice the carnage you are creating with your words and tastless joke - notice; you are the joke.

open your eyes girl, its the only chance you're gonna get.

you know i care. i just act like i dont

2008-02-12T19:15:00.000Z

This is when i realise that its all gone to hell.

i closed the door in your face because i wanted to signal new beginnings. I only fooled myself when i told you that. It never means what it implies

For once i wish you wouldnt treat me like nothing. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and mine is that you should keep your nose out. and your head clear.

I wish i was invisible as you make me feel. I wish i was invisible as i want myself to be.

I could write better than you ever felt it kid, so dont even bother

go back again

2008-02-11T19:16:00.000Z

cause you remind me all the time when we were so alive.
do you remember that?
do you remember that?

do you want to remember that?

last night

2008-02-11T13:04:00.000Z

this is all a dream. my life starts when i go to sleep

i tried

2008-02-10T21:38:00.000Z

but the beat of the music enticed me into thinking that i need this. Maybe as a life support. Maybe as something much less. We will have to wait and see.

I decided to tear the curtains in my house down to prove i have nothing to hide.
Then i laughed at myself about how i always said i didnt need to prove anything.

Currently trying to improve myself because i want you to want me